[SCENE: WRITERSUBI is looking smugly into the screen, with ARTSUBI standing behind him.] WriterSubi: Look at them. ArtSubi: Look at who? WriterSubi: Look at all of them out there. Waiting for me to fill their empty lives with humour they couldn't possibly think of themselves. ArtSubi: And that you can't think of either. That's from one of Bill Hicks' standup routines. WriterSubi: Shut it. ArtSubi: Pa-THETIC. [A fight starts.] . . . %%%%% % % .=%%%%%=. =%/' % '\%= - -- --- .%%' % % '%%. ------------------------------------- -- - ___ %% ___ % % %% ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ __ ___ |__ |\ %/|__ %|\/|||\%|| | | |__ | |__||__ /\ | |__)|__ | | \/%|___ | |||%\||_/| | |___ | | ||___/--\ | | \|___ %% %% - -- --- '%% %%' ---------- P R E S E N T S - =%\. ./%= ^=%%%%%=^ ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Burn-Up W belongs to AIC/MRC, and they HAVEN'T said I can do this. Be nice and don't tell them. Cheers! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Yuji: I'm apologising to one computer generated sex toy about the fact that I'm seeing _another_ computer generated sex toy instead of her. Cyberbabe: If my programming allowed it, I'd call you a pathetic hormonal geek. Sadly I actually have to say this: *SIMPER* Hurry ba-ack! Maria: Don't worry, _I'm_ about to stand _him_ up. Getting dumped by a virtual girlfriend, now that _is_ sad. Bye-bye! Yuji: I feel used. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 5 MINUTE THEATRE PRESENTS : BURN-UP W File 0.2: Search for the Virtual Idol Original screenplay: Katsuhiko Kochiba & Sumio Uetake Parody: Subi ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Maki: Here's your paycheques for the Hotel Kingdom job. Rio: Is this IT? Shit, I may have to let the repo man feel up my maracas again. Lilica: My Daddy's as rich as Rio's chi-chis are big, so I don't care how little we get. I only do this policebabe stuff for kicks. Maya: Can I be paid in human targets? Yuji: I'm too busy thinking about Maria being kidnapped to worry about money. Can't WARRIOR get her back? Rio: Sorry, you need NINJA. Nerds Investigating Naughty Jerk-off- object Abduction. Yuji: I expect nothing less from Rio, but Lilica, how can _you_ accuse _me of being a geek? You're the hacker! Lilica: I can't be a real anime computer expert. I don't wear glasses. Virtual Drug Syndicate Boss: Meanwhile, we're annihilating the local competition. Serves them right for nicking their suitcase guns from Ghost in the Shell. Henchman: On the other hand, since _we've_ got a cybernetic killing machine in the shape of a cute babe, who are _we_ to accuse people of plagiarism? VDS Boss: Don't draw attention to it. Sic 'em Axia. Axia: *SLASHSLASHSLASHBUDDABUDDABUDDA* Henchman: Don't mess with the boss when she takes her sunglasses off. Well, that sure made up for last episode's lack of gore. Uh, boss? Your phone's ringing. VDS Boss: WHAT?! Maria's escaped? I told you not to give her one of Axia's spare bodies. Technician: Okay, putting our unwilling guest in six foot of armoured death was a bad move, I admit it. But she made the lab look nice. Yuji: Kindly note here that it's deemed perfectly acceptable for Rio to virtually have an orgasm at the thought of a pile of corpses stewing in their own vital fluids, but I can't fantasise about pixelised dream girls. What is she, a necrophile? It's just not fair! Rio: Sir? Can I go and look at the bodies and the sea of blood? Rio's Boss: No, go and look for Maria. And I'm not changing my mind, not even if you let me bury my face in your double-Ds and go *BUBALUBALUB* Rio: *SIGH* Yes sir. Yuji? Show me what a virtual idol is. Yuji: I'm gonna regret this... Cyberbabe: My inner voice is telling me to tell Yuji to go strum his own one-string bass, but I end up offering him a threesome?! My pseudo-life sucks. Rio: You got that right. Guess we'll be paying the ransom then. Maria: Why wasn't I programmed to steal some clothes before escaping? Oh well, I'll pretend I'm the kidnapper to get some money. Maki: You know our resident hacker, now meet the engineer. Bear witness to the overwhelming proportions of her mochi hills. Although why I'm bothering to point them out is unclear, it's not as if any of you are paying attention to anything _else_, like the plot for example. Nanvel: Which plot? The one we stole from Ghost in the Shell or the one from Evangelion? Check out my robot! I like 'em BIG and HUNKY. Maki: Nanvel, You're taking this obsession too far. Nanvel: WAAAH! I WANNA BE RITSUKO! Rio: Meeting the kidnapper in a graveyard. Tactful I don't think. Maria: Got the money? Great. Maria'll be back on the network in a bit. Rio: I don't think you've got this whole kidnapper/ransom payer relationship down pat yet, have you? It works like this: I give you the money, and you give me the program. Maria: You mean me, er, Maria. Rio: I am _not_ getting into another argument about the definition of self-awareness and the sentience of artificial life forms. This is _not_ Ghost in the Shell, despite the guns those guys were using earlier. Maria: Stuff you then. And my gazongas are bigger than yours. Rio: Those bee stings? No they're not. Maria: Are too! Rio: Are not! Maria: Are too! Shit! Axia! Rio: Who? AAAH! Time for this episode's dust-up, and for a flash of my panties. Which, considering the length of just about every skirt in this series, I'm surprised there hasn't been more of. Makes a change from flaunting my speed bags at least. Axia: *BUDDABUDDABUDDA* Rio: My turn! NUDE TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE! Ooops, forgot I'm not a magical girl. I'll just have to rip my clothes off by hand then. Like my lacy underwear, boys? Subi: Oh yes. Very much. Axia: *BUDDABUDDABUDDA* Rio: AAAOW! Hey, you're supposed to wait until I've finished! This android doesn't know the rules! Maria: I don't think she's listening. Does that suit of yours really work? Rio: Sure it does, watch! *CRACKLEFIZZPOPSHVIZZZ* EEEEE! Uhhh... I feel like I just knocked the radio into the bath. Maria: I'm dead. Maya: Yup. *BANGBANGBANGBANGBANG* Rio: Stop! That one's Maria! Maya: Which one? Rio: The one with the small mosquito bites on her chest! Maria: I heard that! Maya: This is nuts. I give up, what else could possibly happen? Yuji: I _really_ wish you hadn't said that. Nanvel: Let's rock! Yuji: Oookay. A big purple and green robot, with glowing yellow eyes and a horn, that's initialised using what looks like the episode list to Neon Genesis Evangelion, that goes berserk and destroys everything in sight, and has a cute girl frantically trying to get it back under control. I suppose this is what's called an homage. Maya Ibuki's ta-tas, bodacious though they were, were never that big though. Rio: And he'd know. He checks with a ruler and the pause button. Yuji: Hey! Maria's under that rubble! Nanvel: Don't worry, I can load her into Unit One - er I mean El Higante's memory. You'll be dating a hundred-foot biomechanical killing machine from now on though. Yuji: *SIGH* It's still got a better temperament than Rio *THWACK* OW! Rio: Just for _that_ I'm gonna go prick-tease my boss, that'll make me feel better. Want to buy some crusty panties sir? Rio's Boss: Now _there's_ an offer I can't refuse. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Subi [25/01/00] subi@mono211.com http://www.geocities.com/SiliconValley/Orchard/4834/ [end]